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Let’s talk about family- before you settle down

Okay, lets talk about family build up today…

 

Sometimes, 2 strangers meet, attraction sparks- they familiarize, go on dates—> engage—> get married and start a family without hassles

2 complete strangers turned friends, and become a union…

Yeah, it happens… but, not all the time.

If you want to build a happy home, you’ve got to be intentional about it.

And this goes for both genders…

We all have the right to a lovely & peaceful home – void of toxicity and abuse of any kind.

Good marriages are like seeds, they just don’t mature and bear fruits overnight.

Before you think of settling down with someone,

I mean, before you make that decision to spend the rest of your life with someone,

You need to consider some these things I’m about to talk about – among others… ( to avoid stories that touch)

Before I begin,

I want you to understand the fact that in a relationship/marriage Love Is Not Enough…. Neither is Beauty or Money.
( I’ll explain what I mean later or maybe in another episode)

Before you say I do….

Before you decide to start a family- together….

You should know the following things:

Know the type of family they’re raised from:

Omo,

Never underestimate this process cos…

It could be the major determinant of whether you’d have a successful union or not.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Is there love in his/her family?
  • Do their parents love each other and live in peace?
  • Do they have a good relationship with their parents & siblings?

The answer to those questions would reveal a whole lot about their upbringing and – a glance at their personality.

Thing is, some people are not raised in love.

They don’t even know what “love” is… ( they think it’s what they see in movies)

I mean, they grew up in a toxic and abusive family where there is no love lost between members of the family.

Imagine a family that started as a result of an unwanted pregnancy

… a union that started as a result of a one night stand gone wrong…

It may be that the lady refuses to abort it Or… they tried to but, but it failed

… or the parent of one party decides to keep the baby cos they are in dire need of a grandchild

… or both the guy and lady involved decides to get married even when they are not compatible with each other but— because they want to prevent embarrassment, and fear of what would people say. ( smh)

Have you imagined what a child born into such home would be like?

…. Growing up to see their parents abuse each other over petty things – on a daily basis.

…. Watching their parents fight and exchange words

…. Seeing their parents cheat recklessly without concern

The only time they see their parents in good terms is when their parents are planning to “ reproduce” another child. (Too bad!)

Such a child’s psychology would be fucked up right from childhood because of the kinda home they grew up in.

They’ve been negatively influenced

… and they may see and take toxicity and abuse as normal.

With this type of person… it’d take a lot of personal determination and deliberate efforts to rewire their brain – and destroy the shell of toxicity they grew up in.

Haven’t you seen a family where the parents have their favorites among their children?

That kinda family where the father has certain children he loves and cares about…. While the mother has certain children she loves and cares about too…

Can you just imagine?

A family where children born of the same parents are being loved differently and given preferential treatment by their own parents…
(E no make sense nau)

A family that is supposed to be united in love, peace and harmony is turned into 2 competitive teams… ( the tin dey weak me)

…. And, sometimes, it gets so bad one of the parents (father or mother) would influence the children and turn them against the other partner. ( I dun see many, and it’s so pathetic!)

I think it’s people that grew up in this type of home that become insecure of their partner’s parents when they want to come around their home for a visit or so

… because they think that all homes are like the one they grew up in- toxic!

And, I’m not disputing the fact that some inlaws could be troublesome by default o…

What I’m saying is that knowing the background of your partner matters a whole lot.

…because, there’s a high possibility that they’d replicate the habits they picked from their homes – to YOURS when you decide to start a family together.

And, knowing the type of family they’re raised from would help you understand them better.. Know how to handle or guide them – when necessary.

On the other hand, if your partner is raised in a home of love…

Omo, It can’t go wrong o.

Cos, they’d radiate same energy in your relationship, marriage, and family!


NB: being raised in a home of love doesn’t mean they’d be perfect WithOut flaws though.

… you should understand that some circumstances change people.

I mean… there’s a high tendency that someone who was raised in love – may change if they get taken advantage of

Or… if they get into several abusive/toxic relationships.
( you Gerrit abi) 😉

Know Their Temperament

I have seen cases where some young couples want to get a divorce after they get into their first serious misunderstanding with their partners…

Like… they’d be shocked to see a totally strange side of their partner that they didn’t pay attention to while they dated.

It’s there you’d hear thing like…

” he hits me when we get into an argument.”

” she throws things at me when she’s angry.”

“He verbally abuses me in front of the kids whenever he is moody.”

” she says she regretted getting married to me whenever things gets rough for me, financially.”

Most of these characters these people exhibit are “most times” copied from their parents while they grew up.

Like… some men thinks yelling at their wives/girlfriends while having an argument is a sign of authority…

Or, they think it’s stamp the fact that they’re the head of the family.          (O wrong nau) 🤦🏾‍♂️

… it could be that they also copied same traits from their own father too – and they’re unconsciously passing same traits to their kids – without even realizing it.

Can you now see how toxicity runs in circle, and get passed from one generation to another – in subtlety….


Just so you know, raising your voice at your partner doesn’t make you man either…

It could make them fear you, but then – fear is synonymous to respect. Respect is earned!

(read that again) 😉


Okay, some men don’t know how to love their children

…even if they want to, they just can’t … they don’t know how to show it -Because they weren’t taught how-to by their own dads.

Those dads think loving their children is about – paying their children’s school fees, buying them stuff, etc…

Or… let’s say that’s how they express their love.

But, there are other ways to express love to children, right?

Shout out to all the amazing dads out there, I’ve got love and respect for y’all! 🙌🏾 💯

If you’re a guy reading this now,

I’ve got a question for you

… when was the last you spoke with your dad?

I mean… when was the last time you had a heart-to-heart with you dad or parents – without fear or favor?

When??


Now this question is for all of you ( males n females):

When was the last time you had a conversation with your parents?

Do you even have a bond with your parents?? 😐

If no, pheewwww….

How do you intend to build a bond with your own kids when they start coming.

You see the circle goes now, right?

You can’t Give what you Have. 😊

 

I mean… when was the last time you had a heart-to-heart with you dad or parents – without fear or favor?

You can’t remember?

It’s okay, just pick up your phone and send that man a text or call him now.

You see, we should learn from the mistakes our parents made with us, and treat our unborn kids better.

Isn’t that the dream of our parents?

For us to live a life better than them?  ( Hell Yeah!)

Get close to you pops, and create that connection before it’s too late…

They won’t be here with us forever, let’s cherish and make them feel loved while they are here with us now.

Fuck all those Rips and lovely rubbish you’d write on their death book or the cos it’d useless- they won’t even see it when they’re gone.

So, you better learn to love and treat your parents right while they’re still here on earth.

That’s what counts…

Capish??

👍🏽 👍🏽


You know what?

I think parents are the first influence and role models of every child, before they grow up to meet society…

For me, my parents have a strong influence on me while growing up – no cap!

Like….

My dad influenced my love music, leadership, and how to treat a queen right (from observation)

I started listening to songs by Fela, Bob Marley, Don Williams, Lucky Dube, Lagbaja, Celine Dion, Westlife, etc.. from a very young age.

Thanks to dad, after our family devotion… he starts the day with collection of any of the songs.

Now, music is like my 2nd oxygen… I’m melophile 🥰.

While

 

other the other hand, my mom influenced my love for reading and writing.

Mom is an avid reader, yeah, she still reads till date.

I can’t forget how my mom made me repeat primary 1 just because I had a bad handwriting– even though I passed all the subjects with flying colors o.. 💔🤦🏾‍♂️

See ehn, I had beef with her for days… cos seeing my fellow classmates in primary2 while I repeated was both embarrassing and heartbreaking for me, then.

But, it’s for my own good though, I know better now. 🥰

One thing about my parents is that…

As much as they love us, their children, equally… giving us all the love in the world – in their own capacity… they never spared the rod and spoiled their children.

😊


Okay,

We’re still on the “Know Their Temperament”, right… 😊

Another thing you should consider about anyone you intend to settle down with is…

Know how they handle stress

Some people get married without knowing their significant other to a reasonable extent.

They think marriage is just about taking pre-wedding photoshoots…

… posting pics on social media with captions like…

“Forever is the goal!”

“Taken off the market”

” I belong to him/her”

… some people still thinks marriage is just about gathering both families, friends, and relatives together… make a party… pay dowry… food… drink… partè after partè. 😁

While all those are fun, and are done to spice marriage up – they are Secondary.

I mean, you and your partner is the main deal.

Why would you even say “I do” to a partner – who you don’t even know they handle stress/difficult times? (Smh)

Thing is, no one wishes or prays for a difficult time,

But-

…this is Real Life – where anything can happen at anyway or time.
( life no be your mate) 😊

The point is,

You should know how your partner handles stress

… so that you won’t be surprised when they start signs of burnouts or breakdown.

Which personality is your partner — an introvert, extrovert, or an ambivert (me 😉)?

Different personalities tend to react differently while under duress/pressure, angry or sad.

Here’s how the various personalities handle stress:

**Some want to be left alone, totally left alone till they get themselves back*

** some would crave attention… like, full Attention – they just want someone they can talk to till they feel a bit better.**

*** some want to be left alone, partially, while craving little attention.*** 😄

Knowing these things are what dating/courtship are supposed to be meant for…

Whoever you decide to settle down should be your pal.

Your partner should be your nigga/niggareth,

Your main G, and…

Your realest!

That way, there would be little to nothing you don’t already know about yourselves.

… and, whenever any challenge comes, you’d know how to handle it together as a team because, you’re a team! ✊🏽❤ 🥰


No be about Knacking and Billing o

All guys have dicks…

All ladies have vaginas

And, both genders can have money, if they want to.

Question is…

If you remove money and sex from your relationship now – would it survive?

I mean, is your relationship built on the foundation of love, trust, understanding and a the passion to help each other grow?

If “Yes”… Cool!
(You’re doing well- ride on!) 🥰

… if “No”
What are you still doing together? (Abi ona jus dey catch cruise with each other?) 🤐

And, nah, I’m not even saying that all relationships/courtships would lead to marriage…

All I’m saying is You should Be Intentional About Your Choice Of Partner

… to avoid series of “had I know” and sifia heartbreaks later on in life.

Inside relationships, you are free to think “For Better” only

But,

Omo…

When it comes to marriage

It’s “for Better, for Worse”

So,

You better think it through- over and over again…

You aren’t being forced to settle down, and you shouldn’t be pressurized either.

You’re above 18 years old, right? (Osheyyy Adult!) 👏🏽

So, the decision to settle down should be Yours – and Yours Only!

Don’t let Anybody to rush you when you’re not ready…

… I mean, not even your dad, mom, siblings, beastie, friends,relatives, mentors, pastors, imams, or even society.

You are an adult, and you should make decisions for yourself.

___________________________________

“Being An Adult Comes With A Price (Responsibilities)” – Sam Wealth Efe, 2021
________________________________

So, before you make any decision, you should think it through because….

As an adult,

For every “action and inaction”, there’s a reward (whether good or bad)

Therefore, you should be ready to take responsibility for every of your Action/Decision- with Full Chest!

Pheewwww


 

NB: there’s always room for improvement in every area of life.

As for relationship,

You should try to make your relationship to be open and conducive for conducive for communication- all the Time!

Good communication is one of the pillars of a solid relationship.

Learn to call each other out when offended, or a boundary crossed…

But, do it in a matured and lovely way though. 😉

 

Know Their Goals & Influence

Before you think of building a home with that guy/lady…

It would be better if you know their goals….

Know their journey & destination (if it aligns with yours or not)

You shouldn’t settle down with anyone whose goals would affect your- negatively (now or later)

For instance, if you’re the type that doesn’t like traveling and you get into a relationship with someone who travels alot for biz and fun (What would happen? )

I believe there are rooms for comprises here and there, in a relationship

But….

Don’t Ever Sacrifice Your Happiness & Peace of Mind for Anyone/Anything.

Relationships are meant to make us better, achieve more goals, and be happy with whoever we decide to be with.

It’s meant to be Enjoyed, nor Endured…

And, that doesn’t mean relationships are beds of roses or void of issues- nah!
(I believe you got my point)😉

 

Know Their Influence

According to Dictionary, “influence is the capacity to have an effect on the character, develop, or behavior of someone [r something, or the effect itself.

This point is kinda self-explanatory.

Know Who/What influence your partner, it would give you a glimpse about their personality.

Who do they listen to?… Who do they look upto?… What kinda books do they read? …. Which podcast do they listen to? Etc..

These people/things have an influence on one’s thoughts-process,ideologies and decision making.

The people/things that influence them would make you get an understanding of who they are, and what resonates with them – to an extent though.

If you know your partner’s thoughts process, it would help you determine if you’d compatible or not

… it would save you from present or future conflict of interest.

Who Are Their Friends?

Before I start,

Here are four popular sayings you must have heard before or not…

The first one says‐
” Show me your friend, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

The second one says, “You’re the average of 5 people you spend most of your time with.”

The third one says,
” show me your friends, and I’d tell you your destination.”

Okay, let’s end it with this one-

“Birds of a feather flocks together.”

If you read the 4 quotes above, they’re all saying the same thing- in different words.

Know the friends of your partner.

The friends your partner keeps would give you a hint about who they are.

Before you say, ” but, every is not the same nau…”

I get it, but…

Like minds are like magnets – they attract…

Just as wealthy people attract money effortlessly – by discussing biz opportunities and investing with their pals…

…Poor people attract lack upon themselves too – by complaining about the world without doing anything to improve their situation.


Although, I sometimes I tend to think an adult is responsible for every decision they make without being influenced…

But then,

Humans are social animals by nature, and sometimes…

We may tend to do things for the approval of those in our social circle…

And, that’s where influence comes in.

The quality of your partner’s circle would tell you a lot about them.

Pheewww

Guess we’d stop here for now.

… to continue next time.

Talk soon,
🌍Sam Wealth Efe 🗣✍🏾💯

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