Stories

My Life At DESPO – Episode 62

Azo was watching a movie on his phone when i got to his place, ‘ young man, hwfa na, how class go today?,’ he said when i entered inside.

‘ i bam o, class dey there, how your side,’ i asked as i dropped my bag and walked towards the kitchen(very necessary).

The sweet aroma of Egusi soup welcomed me as i entered the kitchen, and like a doubting Thomas, i removed the cover of the pot to confirm what i perceived.

I saw assorted meats in strategic positions in the pot, begging me to remove them from the hot soup but, ignored their request, as i made sign of the cross as the worms in my stomach rejoiced for the upcoming feast.

‘ oboy, you dey waste your cooking talent oh, shebi you know say you suppose open one restaurant for herd make you tey dey pack small change money for the school, abi how you see am?,’ i asked him while i off my clothes in prepararion to freshen up.

‘guy, i nor dey find ‘change’ (small money), na ‘block money ( plenty money) boiz dey find now,’ he replied while we laughed.

‘ all these children of nowadays sef, ona nor wan ‘start small, grow big’, dem tell you say na once Dangote and Bill Gates ‘blow’ overnight? Bros, humble beggining must dey o, even if some people go laugh you when you start at first, nor reason am, na dem go still dey envy you later when you don ‘make am’

‘ if you start restaurant now, you go give dem ‘mama Ejiro and Mama’s Kitchen’ race for the school as their customers go dey rush you and your bank account go dey smile.

From there, with better packaging, your buka go con get branches both local and international, abi you nor believe?,’ i asked him while we laughed.

‘na so, why you nor go open your own make you blow, abi you nor like money?,’ he asked me.

‘ bros, you good for the soup minsitry, i fit join you dey give dem correct ‘fried beans, fried indomie, oil rice, oil rice and beans, spaghetti, tea and bread, bread and egg, bread and groundnut, na my field be dat, you know say i dey like ‘fast food,”

”we fit even dey arrange g4 and groundnut for those wen nor get money sef, we gats carry everybody along to pack the money sharperly ‘ i added and he laughed out loud.
‘ dis boy, dem go check you oh, tea and bread, g4 and groundnut for restaurant abi, you smoke?,’ he asked while he laughed.

“Nor be just g4 and groundnut, we go package the name, sometin like ‘G4+’ , check am now, e nor sweet for your ears, omo, na business packaging dey bring money, bros, no be fake life,’ i said as we laughed while i entered the bathroom to refresh.

After I freshened up, as I came outside from the bathroom, i saw that Azo had already dished the food and I smiled.

‘ I nor know say you get sense like dis before oh, sabi boy!,’ I hailed him while I joined him on the floor.

‘Your fada!,’ he retorted, with a smile.
‘ ahboi, may your child neva resemble your landlord oh,’ I said and we laughed before I went down to business of molding and swallowing.

‘ oshare you dey try for soup, I confirm am’ I said after I swallowed a lump, I appreciated his effort in cooking the soup cos I barely cooked soup, E dey be like stress to me, I prefer ‘fastfood’ like bread and egg, indomie, Spaghetti and co.

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Fun Fact: Do you know I cooked soup only twice throughout ND days in School? Smh for myself.

Don’t look at me like dat, i don’t like stress, if I wanted to eat soup, I either buy from a restaurant(most times) or I visit Meekest, that boy can cook soup for Africa.

While we were in ND1, Meekest was a major Chef but things changed along the line (story for another day).

I could do without heavy food for a month and be okay, but, somebody I know could get sick without swallowing eba for 2days, if you think it is Meekest, you are damn right!

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Back to the matter, as we ate or swallowed rather, Azo said he needed my help.

‘Bad manners, you don’t talk while eating,’ I said, like my mum would say anytime we were eating and about to discuss, dat woman helped my life with some etiquettes while growing up, walai.

‘ yessir,’ he said with a smile.

While we ate, as I noticed the food was about to finish, I quickly took my meat and stood up cos the last person clears the plate.

‘ dis boy, you no get respect oh, I set food for you, you stil dey expect me to clear am abi, nor be your fault sha,’ he complained.

‘ oga, someone cannor belleful and stand up in peace again? Why you con dey vex now?,’ I asked with a smile but he didn’t reply me, the tin pain am.

” Na your type dey eat food leave their children so, you be senior man and you dey follow me drag food, bros, eat the food and the plate join, you go dey alright,” i added while i ran to avoid the lump of eba he threw at me..

After some time, while I slept on the cold tiles to relax myself, Azo called my attention.

‘You don vex finish?,’ I asked him.
‘ gerrout, omo, I nor know how I wan tey enta Bee for straffin o, I nor just get idea of how I go take put am for her body,’ he said sounding concerned and I laughed.

‘Na small challenge na, abi she be V, if yes, bros na end of discussion be dat o,’ I said.

‘ Yess na, she must be V na, who wan allow her go straff, she nor get the time na, before she gain admission dem dey always cage her na, if she nor dey her office, she go dey house, so she nor go fit get time to smash,’ he said with a serious look while I gave him dat ‘ see dis mumu’ look.

‘ kolo, dat one nor be excuse, and besides, dem nor dey vouch for person for sex matter cos who don straff nor dey show for face, na only yourself you know,’ I told him.

‘Nor worry, you go straff her today, but hope you believe yourself oh, nor go there go fall my hand oh, I wee just ‘dis-friend’ and dis-brother you oh,’ I said while we laughed.

‘ I hear say trams or Samsu oil dey boost performance oh, which one you suggest,’ he asked as a flash of my first encounter with tramadol crossed my mind and I laughed.

I thought I would die that day, if you see where I for dey beg God for for forgiveness dat day ehn, I confessed all the sins I could remember I committed since I was born till that day. (Story for another day) lol.

‘Guy, trams nor dey work for everybody, E depend on on your blood, you fit take am now, nothing go sup, Vega100 fit sure for you oh, but I nor dey take all those stuffs if I wan do my tin o’

‘ wetin you con suggest now?,’ he asked with a sigh.

“smashing na for pleasure nor be do or die affair. Dem nor dey kill body put abeg, if you do your tin, con cum, relax, dem nor dey give award for the longest smashing session,”

“If she nor cum with you, bros complete work with your fingers, no dulling,”

” nor worry, you go need black bullet and maybe small stout to dirty your system so that you nor go quick troway and besides, you gats mark your first register with A or B, E get why’ I said.

I’m not a fan of drug-enhanced sex oh, cos I believe every lady have the right to ‘free and fair erection’, but at thesame time, there is no second time for ‘first impression’, shebi you know first impression matters alot?

I nor wan hear say any babe call my nigga ‘indomie’ cos he was done in 5mins… * clears throat**

” See, we go enta DeLegit later na, go take 1 or 2 for the road. See ehn, nor rush her oh, just relax, if ona don reach house, make ona 2 enta bathroom go baff,”

” ehen, wetin go con happen if we don enta bathroom?,” he asked while he paid rapt attention.

”Just hold her while the shower dey pour for ona body make you whisper for her slower ear say, ‘I know I haven’t been romantic all these while, no thanks to your busy schedule and strict security surveliance placed on you, allow me bath you like the baby you are”

” nor talk am like say you dey ask for permission oh, just put soap for sponge make you wash her body slowly, nor be me go tell you where your hand go focus for the washing”  **winks**

‘Yess, go on,’ he urged me.

”Haha, see as J-White like you humble dey learn bad things, I go report you give ona C/O (circuit overseer), na once dem go dis-fellowship you, I trust your Pman, he go disown you too,’ I said while, laughed.

‘ ogbeni, forget dat tin, continue from where you stop joor, na serious matter dey ground so, behave for once  you!’

‘ Azo! My nigga, my real nigga, if I nor fit coach you as my guy, wetin I gain?,’ I said.

‘ guy continue abeg, time nor dey,’ he said.

‘ after you go dey claim seniority, dey remind me say you senior me with 5yrs oh, see as small pikin dey teach senior man wazzup, inside life! Choi,’ I teased him cos he never failed to remind me that he was older than me anytime we had issues or misunderstanding.

” from there use your finger play her like piano n guitar, kiss her, turn her on ike switch, she go give confirmation with her ring tone,”

“You fit start to smash her from there, she fit bend down, touch her toes or hold the sit while you drive, nor forget to wear raincoat oh’ I stressed on the word.

‘ oshare, raincoat smashing nor dey make sense, I go dive her raw,’ he said with a mischievous smile.

‘ dey smart na, I know wetin her parents fit do you if dem hear say you give their only daughter belle,’ I said while we laughed.

‘ guy nothing go sup, highest I go claim responsibility, na marriage go con end am, I fit chest her bride price, after all, she nor be small pikin again,’ he said, gingerly.

‘ oshare relax, who you dey voltage for? Na me you dey talk to oh, nor be another person oh, you don high?, ‘I fit chest her bride price’ yen yen yen, see your bent mouth,” i remarked and while we were laughing, Meekest came inside.

‘Blackie, hwfa na, where you dey since, I hear say you don get wife for the school oh,’ Azo said immediately he stepped inside.

Meekest gave me that, ‘i nor go answer you’ look before he said, ‘ na so you tey dey welcome your elders abi, where my bread wey you buy com first?’

‘ why you dey look me like dat? Your brain dey pain you?,’ I asked Meekest while we all laughed as he sat down.

‘ you dis boy dem use bread swear for you sef?,’ Azo asked him.

‘ com e don do oh, nor because of bread tell me word dis afternoon make I nor go do you bad tin oh,’ Meekest replied him while I watched and laughed at their banter.

‘ brother what’s the 411 na, any activity go dey today? Make I know as I go plan the remaining time of the day pass,’ I asked and they looked at me without saying a word before they laughed out loud.

At that moment, I got confused cos I didn’t know what amused them that made them laugh at me like dat, that kine laugh wen go make you weak.

‘ Hey God, na so these my friends tey start to crase? Chai,’ I said, while trying to figure out why they were laughing. I looked at myself properly, I even went and checked myself in the mirror to see if anything was wrong with my appearance but I didn’t see anything. That act made them laugh even more.

‘ ‘Mr Activity’ na wetin dem send you con do for school be dat abi. Those days wen I dey ND, na only book I dey read, every Friday wen my mates dey go flex, I go dey dis room dey listen to music wen dey blast from ‘Onodia’, dat time ‘DeLegit’ neva come on board, dem dey carry stripers dey come every Friday dat time sef, as ….’

‘Ohhh, see dis boy, so you dey go dey look strippers yansh, choi,’ I said in an attempt to interrupt him and it worked.

‘ allow am finish d story na, wetin dey worry you sef,’ Meekest, the ass-man, fired at me while we laughed.

‘ child of the world like you, na all these kine yansh talk you dey like, yeye child! Abeg make I dey go my house before ona go spoil  me,’ I said while I stood up and carried my bag.

‘ dem still dey corrupt virus? I dey laugh you, awish you spoil e for better, you don condemn!,’ Meekest added while they laughed and I looked at them, thinking of the best reply to give him.

‘ My friends could be your best dream and may be your worse nightmare if they chose to’

‘See dem, World people, na so ona dey do,’ I replied them as that was the only thing I could say that moment before I stepped out.

‘Make ona con give me ‘leg’ na,’ I said while I straightened my shirt and looked at myself properly, outside.

When I said they should give me ‘leg’, I didn’t mean they should borrow me their leg oh, I meant they should see me off.

‘ comon gerrout, wit your lean body like toothpick,’ Azo said and they laughed out loud while I looked at myself to confirm if I was as thin as toothpick.

I was like why? even if they must yab me, is it to compare a whole me with a toothpick? Kai, the tin weak me.

‘ Nor be ona fault, I don march oh , after all na only me waka com,’ I told them as i walked out while they came outside to see me off.

‘ me, toothpick, chai, who do me dis tin?,’ I questioned myself while I laughed at myself at the wicked comparison, I didn’t have word for them that moment, it was their day, let them shine, after all ‘curse nor dey put sore for person body’,’ I thought as we walked on.

‘ Efesky, my real Gee, nor go think die oh, na joke we dey oh,’ Meekest said while I stopped a bike and laughed out loud at his last statement when I remembered the first day I cried when i was yabbed randomly by some guys, while growing up.  *lol*

 

To be continued…

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