Stories

My Life At DESPO – Episode 66

Welcome to the club, where no one cares about you, except maybe you slipped and fell, and if you are not in the company of your friends or anyone to pick you up, you might just be the center of attraction of fun lovers, except a good samaritan decides to help you up.

After 5mins that seemed like 5hours to me in that state, I found my legs and got small strenght to relocate the bar stand, ‘give me Hollandia yoghurt,’ I said to the the guy who attended to me.

I drank the whole chilled Hollandia yoghurt to balance my shayo fucked-up self. Ayam not a science student but i knew milk has a way of reducing the effect of alcohol in the system. Lol.

I saw Otoski and Meekest looking around as if their future was missing and I signalled them with a wave.

‘See dis yeye pikin, so na here you dey wen we dey find you since abi, somtin dey worry you wel-wel o,’ Meekest fired when they got to where I was.

‘Efe wetin dey happen to you na, everybody dey use eye dey find you for dat side since, we con dey worried sef. Wetin dey sup?’ Otoski asked while he sat down next to me.

‘Ona nor go understand,make ona no vex abeg’ was all I could say as I apologized for getting them worried.

‘Wetin happen na, you nor fit talk again?,’ Meekest gingered.

‘Omo, village people almost get me down, na God save me, I for don loose guard for dis place na na,’ I explained my condition.

‘Efe nor be format you dey give us so? Wetin Hollandia dey do for here, abi you don con block one babe for here on code you no wan tell us,’ Otoski remarked and we laughed.

‘ dem go check you oh,’ was my reply while we laughed and went back to join the rest.
‘Efe, where have you been?,’ Bee asked immediately we got to our table.

‘I’ve been to London, to see the Queen,’ I gave her that line from that ‘Pussy cat, pussy cat’ nursery rhyme back then in nursery school, and they all laughed while her friend gave me a questioning look. I  winked  at her and she smiled shyly before looking away.

I was singing ‘thank you for saving me, thank you my Lord’ in my mind when Azo stood up and left, came back some minutes later with some drinks and pushed a black bullet to my front.

I gave him that ‘if I swear for you ehn’ look as i smiled while Meekest and Otoski laughed out loud cos only the both of them knew what I went through.

At about past 1am, we left the club, getting a bike was luxury at that ungodly hour and the few that were available took good advantage of the fact.

During the day, na dem (bike men) dey rush us, but on Friday nights, na clubbers dey rush dem bike men, dem go dey form boss, their price is fixed, you dare not haggle if not, dem go jus fire leave you to the nearest client.

While we stood there waiting for bike, Azo  approached me, ‘guy nor for my hand dis nite o, and make sure say you wear raincoat before the match start oh,’ I whispered in his ear while he hitted my back playfully as a ‘ Spider’ drove to where we were and stopped.

3 young boys came out and stood while Bee’s friend approached one of them, they hugged before he held her hand and walked her away.

‘Na wa o, all these G’boys nor wan hear o, see diz small boys don tear(buy) Spider, omo, dis one no be ordinary o, dem don go plus (ritual),’ he complained while I laughed.

‘ bros, abeg leave that matter joor, na their time, make dem enjoy, abi you go follow dem suffer their suffer later?,’ I asked him.

‘ omo, Efe, see, see, I must buy my Spider o, these small boys go just carry their Motor com intimidate me, chai, Azo you don suffer,’ he said while he beated his chest. (Azo was and is  still a car freak)

‘ bros, incase you wan join HK, tell me make I give you to one of my guy make he teach you work, na G-Wagon you go tear over night, ‘Spider’ too small,’ I told him while he laughed.

‘ you dey craze, I tell you say na Yahoo money I wan tey buy my motor, who G help? Mtcheeeww, I nor go plus, make I GH (Get Help) first, na all of us go enta Lagos go pull the ride com. I don save the pictures for my phone’ he voltaged while I laughed.

**********

Dear Gee boy,
Why plus (do ritual) to get quick money if it won’t make you to be richer than the likes of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Dangote?( E nor goes well na, reason am)

If ritual money nor go fit make you buy your own private jet, wetin you gain?

Wait fess, if ritual money is cool, why are the native doctors who perform the act not among the richest people alive?? (Think about am)

Say No To Fraud

**********

Nor worry bros, na who buy car last dey buy the latest model oh,instead of you to dey think of your champions league match dis nite, na those boys Spider con dey bother you. You well so?’

I asked him in attempt to change the topic and divert his attention cos I knew he had a battle ahead. A foul mood was a no-no, if he must win the match ahead.

One thing about the male cassava is that, it’s sync with the mind n mood. If your mind is disturbed, if you like swallow 10 packs of trams and 2 cartons of viágra, forgerrit bros, ‘ba-na-na’ wee nor turn up for you. (That’s not my handwriting o)  *lol*

Otoski and the other babe held hands while he gave me a coded thumbs and I gave him dat ‘e sure for you’ winks as we smiled. We stood there gusting for some time before we got bike home.

It was when I got to my lodge late that night that I knew it was my personal ‘no misbehave outside’ rule crested inside me that had kept me alright all those while.
The road to my lodge was kinda long and like I said earlier, my lodge was in a risky setting.

Walking through the lonely road alone with my phone in my pocket, was a miracle on its own. (You wee nor understand, ask Meekest)

I dialled my brother’s number so that he could take key from our caretaker, Happy, since his room was next to ours, but his number didn’t go through.

I went to our bathroom window and called him but I got no reply, meaning he wasn’t around. ( problem!)

I knew the rule of the lodge, jumping the fence wasn’t even an option cos the wall was high and secured with barbed wire.

In the spirit of ogoro (frog) must jump, I located Happy’s bathroom window and I heard Pasuma Osupa’s song playing from his room. The smell of weed that came out of the window almost knocked me out, that guy is a ‘Weed star’.

He takes any given opportunity to tell anyone that he grew up in Lagos and was a big boy before the OPC saga that claimed many lives and property affected him and he had to fall back to his roots (Oghara).

‘Keto, abeg come open gate for me,’ I said and he paused the music to listen attentively, to figure out the voice I guess.

‘Na who?,’ came his reply.

‘ oga Happy na ur boy o’

‘I nor know you, dey go back to where you dey come from, I no dey open the gate again dis night’ he said as he opened his door.

I smiled atleast, small hope dey as be come outside, ‘see time na 2’am, wetin you dey do for outside since?’he asked as he approached the gate.

‘I dey play football,’ I said but my mouth failed to voice it out for reasons best known to it as i held the fence for support resisting the urge to throw up.

‘ Today is Friday oga, are you okay? Na me tell you say make you nor go club? What is your problem, you don dey mad abi,’ I wanted to reply him but I knew that was a sure ticket to sleep outside, dem nor dey price am.

‘Oga Happy, abeg com take your action bitters first before I explain, if I tell you wetin sup for Legit ehn….’

‘ wetin happen for Legit? He asked as he grumbled about my lateness and unlocked the padlock to take his trophy (Action Bitters) I mentioned from me and I smiled.

‘ Nor dey do like say you wan hear the story, I know say na the action bitter dey your mind, abeg open gate make I enter jare,’;I thought as the opened and I handed him his trophy and he smiled as he collected it and closed the gate.

‘ wetin you say happen for Legit?’ He asked as he opened the gin and stood in his close to his door waiting for me to give him the gist of an event that didn’t occur, while I searched my pockets for my key.

‘Oga Happy abeg go sleep, you too like aproko sef’ I replied him as he laughed and entered his room to continue his business while i searched my pockets 10x per seconds but couldn’t find my key and felt even more sad cos i felt i had lost my key.

I resigned to sleep in my varenda since that was my only option and I consoled myself with the fact that sleeping on my varenda was okay, atleast it was safer sleeping inside the compoud than outside.

I cleaned the tiles in my varenda with a rag and lied my back hoping for sleep to come and take me away.

In Oghara then, you barely see mosquitos, you could sleep outside without hearing the annoying sound made by that useless insect called mosquito, that carries malaria fever around.

I felt uncomfortable, I stood up and checked my pocketime for the 50th time and found the key inside the same pocket I had been searching for the past minutes, (who say shayo nor be bastard?)

I opened the door, and located the kitchen. if you see the way I tey rush the garri container ehn, you go fear.

I packed some quantity into a bowl and added water without salt, I drank the tasteless garri with the speed of light and dived the bed straight.

It was Azo’s call that woke me up the next morning and upon opening my eyes, it was like i was in a plane that lost its bearing, the room was rotating as I held the bed to prevent me from falling off the imaginary plane. ( Say hello to Hangover ) *lol*

‘ Efesky! Efesky my realest Gee, Oma, I must flex you today, ready we go Enta Amena Resort go swim later’ his voice sounded excitedly from the other side while i held the wing of the plane with one hand so I won’t fall off before the phone dropped from my hand and fell on the bed.

‘Hello, hello, Efe you dey hear me??’ I heard his voice buy couldn’t reply cos my head ached and my eyes con join dey turn me. (Wicked combination if you ask me)

I later fell asleep again and woke up feeling better as I rushed to the kitchen to prepare a very ‘born again’ oil rice and ate, breaking my daily routine order in the process which was;
Wake up–>workout–> tidy the house–>prepare breakfast–>take my bath before eating.

I had to break routine cos recovering from hangover was involved, some rules are meant to be broken in some situations abi? Yess ofcourse. *winks*

After I finished eating directly from the pot(direct entry), na from there I con feel alright before I clean the house and discharge enta bathroom to freshen up.

I was enjoying the feeling I got under the shower when I heard a knock on my door, I didn’t answer, and the person knocked again.

‘Yess?, I dey bathroom o,’ I replied almost shouting.

‘ so you even dey house sef, i dey call your number since e nor dey go, we wan go back before so, oshare oya fly come open the door fast’ Azo commanded and banged the door while I laughed wondering who the other person or persons could be.

‘Bros, I nor dey house, make ona dey back,’ I replied him while I increased my body washing speed.

I wore a short and tied a towel round my waist before I went to open the door for my gee.

‘ you be Ice fish o,’ Meekest fired at me immediately he saw me.

‘I blame you? As you nor get senior-man picture for your house so, why you nor go talk to me anyhow dis morning, yeye dey smell, abege shift make I see better person joor ‘ i replied while I ran back inside to dodge his blow.

‘Why you con lock yourself for inside house like prisoner na?,’ Azo asked as he lied on the bed.

I didn’t have the strength to explain to him that I locked myself indoors whenever I’m around cos I don’t want to mingle with my lodge mates unecessarily to avoid ‘see finish’.

I love my space, I don’t joke with my ‘me time’, thats the introverted side of being an ambivert, I guess. Lol

I gisted them about my key and imaginary plane encounter I had and they laughed at me ehn, dat kine laugh wen dem go sit down ground dey laugh you, chai, I felt like who con send me make I expose myself na.

‘ your blood nor strong na,’ Meekest remarked while they continued with their hysteric laughter. (I nor go lie,dat word weak me) lol.

While i offered myself to be their source of laugher, Azo’s phone rang, and from the way he was smiling sheepishly, I guessed he was talking to a girl.

‘ see dis kolo, see as woman dey make you sun-teeth like goat wey dem roast!’ I took my chance for pay back and it this time, it was Meekest and I that laughed while the table turned to Azo.

‘ no mind am, see him face like kiwi polish,’ Meekest added and I fell on the bed like a dead man cos the comparison was very very wicked! *lol*

Infact ehn, the comparison wicked pass ‘Young John’ the wicked producer.
Anytime I’m with my squad or anyone I like, there’s never a dull moment, the way we yabbed ourselves ehn, who don’t know us may think we are foes..

We laughed at Azo ehn till he couldn’t take it no more and announced that Bee was the one that called him that they were waiting for us, so we could head for Amena Resort together.

‘ ehn no worry, I dey come make I wear something light make we dey march, with your head like cabin biscuit,’ I replied him as I walked towards my wardrobe.

We got outside, and hired a cab that took us there, when we got there, my brother joined us later. If I tell you wetin happen to me dat day ehn…

**********
We got to resort, bought our tickets before we were allowed into the pool and bar arena. The ladies went to their section to change to their swimming wears while the guys located the male section to do their thing, changed and showered before entering the pool.

We met some people there doing their thing.

If you love swimming like me, you’d notice thsee sets of people in the pool;

♧the ones that don’t swim at all, they just change and wet themselves in the pool for some seconds and go sit at the edge of the pool till they leave (mostly females).

♧the water splashers, these ones wee just be walking around the pool, splashing water about.

♧the ones that their sole purpose of entering the pool is to look for babes to teach how to swim. Konjified guys are mostly found of this yeye habit, they wee just be roaming around the pool, looking for babes  to tap free current from in the guise of teaching them. *lol*

♧the screamer girls, chai, these sets of babes ehn…. hanty if you don’t want to swim, wetin you find enta pool na? If your body by mistake touch these ones for water, na so dem go dey shout anyhow like say…..

The love birds, kai, these ones wee just hold each other and be moving, kissing and laughing till they leave. This style dey make sense if the babe na new catch, water have a way of unifying people you know. (That is not my handwriting o)

 

To be continued…..

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